Sunday: Mom slept in until 11, then she put the dogs outside but one had already pooped in the dining room. No amount of training will help because this is what Sissy does when she gets angry. Mom is thinking about going to Mille Lacs tonight with Teresa. But if my sister wants to come over, then Mom will take them out to the Chinese buffet. The new Chinese buffet by the Old Country Buffet, not Panda Garden.

Monday: Today was senior day at the Goodwill, but Mom plans to stop going on Mondays because they only get shipments on Tuesdays. She found a really cute jumper for my sister’s baby but my sister didn’t like it because she is so picky. My sister was really lucky to get that Justin. My Mom would like to know if my boyfriend hits me when he gets angry. She’s sorry for asking me that but she just wants to make sure.

Tuesday: Today Goodwill got a new shipment, but there was nothing good so Mom went to Savers. She is going to Savers now instead of Unique. Unique is all overpriced crap. Plus they make too many announcements and they are 100% in Spanish. Anyway, Dad’s at bowling so Mom will watch American Idol if they are still on the auditions.

Wednesday: Mom can’t talk because tonight is Ghosthunters.

Thursday: Teresa came over last night to help make bars. They made rhubarb bars and seven-layer bars. Mom doesn’t know what to do with the bars because she is on Low Carb again. She will have one or two on her cheat day maybe. The dog pooped on the rug today and it was really bad. She must have eaten something she found under the couch.

Friday: Mom is watching my brother’s dog for the weekend, and she does not like that dog. He will not stop moving and he jumps on the top of the couch and sits on your head. He unraveled part of the throw blanket. Oh well, Mom will just put the blanket face-down. She will buy nice things when the dogs are dead.

Saturday: Mom has bad reception because she is in the Falls. She just wants to check in because she was thinking I live on the West Coast and there are a lot of earthquakes in that area. Mom is only going to spend a day up in the Falls to see Brooke’s hockey game and go to a funeral. Mom would like me to call my dad this afternoon when he gets back from golf. She has to go now because she has to go potty.

I am missing Jesse who is somewhere on top of Mt. Rainier, snow in his stubble, melting snow in a coffee tin. My man. Meanwhile I did five sit-ups this morning before deciding I should probably put them off indefinitely. I am sitting in Jesse's mancave, which is the portion of the living room containing his desk flanked by two bookcases, like a starfighter. Ahhh the tiny reminders of him ... GI Joe weapons ... torn up pieces of paper with soldiers' phone numbers on them ... the stub end of an unpeeled carrot. So many nights I have sat across the room, watching his Michael Jordan silhouette against the glow of the monitor as he plays with his digital minifigs to the music of Childish Gambino. My man. I hope he is not dead. I told him to Google "avalanche survival tips" so if he is dead it is his own fault.

LIGHT SKINNED GIRLS YOU CAN PUT IT IN MY VIDEO

Now I am listening to Childish Gambino in memoriam.

My yaiballs hurt which is a byproduct of sitting at the computer for all the hours of the day, doing such things as: adding money to purchase orders! Last week I tried to combat the tedium of my job with a dose of extended release narcoleptic medicine I purchased from France. There was no effect.

Olivia Benson: Olivia Benson was the product of rape. It is her job to talk to the Special Victims. Unless she can't reach them, in which case they bring in B.D. Wong. In the interrogation room she is Julie Andrews, but when shit goes down she will hold her gun straight out and stare at you with her hard, square, Ernest Hemingway face. She often wears a structured leather jacket. In the first few seasons she had really butch hair.

Elliot Stabler: Elliot Stabler has four daughters. If your kid was just shot and you ask him, "Do you have kids, Detective?" he will wait a beat and reply "Yeah, I got four girls." Stabler is the one who talks to rapists, but sometimes he goes a little wild on them and Captain or B.D. Wong has to pull him back. He has a way of squinting at you that makes you feel like he's wearing a shoulder holster, even if he's not. He works late hours, and he's in love with Olivia Benson.

Fin Tutuola: Fin's real name is Odafin but his real real name is Ice T. Fin is streetwise and has a troubled relationship with his son, probably because he is black. Fin is the only character on this show who does not have a backstory that makes him break down at crucial moments. Sometimes you catch yourself wishing that Ice T actually was Fin Tutuola, instead of Ice T.

John Munch: Richard Belzer plays John Munch. John Munch is hard like a diamond and he is the first one to evaluate evidence at the crime scene, because he's the best at riffing. John Munch wears one outfit because he is Richard Belzer. They had at least one episode where John Munch got into some backstory, but mostly his job is to sit out in the desk area and brainstorm. If Olivia and Elliot don't want to go somewhere then they send Fin and Munch.

B.D. Wong: B.D. Wong plays the ace-in-the-hole psychologist, B.D. Wong. Whenever somebody can't figure out what's going on they call in B.D. Wong to interrogate. B.D. Wong is a human CAT scan machine. B.D. Wong is also known for creating the role of M. Butterfly, which is why he goes by his initials. He didn't want to broadcast his gender on the theater program. I learned this in college.

Captain: I just looked up Captain's name and it's Captain Donald Cragan. Captain has three emotions: concerned, decisive, and telling Stabler off. After he pins the rapist's face to the Investigation Bulletin Board, Captain gets to decide whether he's going to send in the big guns, i.e. Benson and Stabler, or if this needs the subtler talents of Fin and Munch. Most of Captain's lines start with "Get that (thing) to (location)." He is the only character that the lawyer characters don't get mad at for not building a good enough case.

Lawyer people: Blonde women who are always upset that the Detectives can't get the witness they want. Sometimes they confer with Judith Light.

Based on an extensive analysis of one website I visited in my free time, I have decided that boys today are all named after occupations, or places, or surnames: Hunter, Mason, Hudson, Jackson. Popular names also tend to be hyper-masculine: Gage, Roman, Axel. I predict these names will be on the cubbyholes of tomorrow.

Masculine

Jurassic
Trex (pronounced T-Rex at home and Trecks at business functions)
Bearemy
Creg
Steef
Butcher
Mister
Samoa
Beerothy

Girls' names, on the other hand, are trending toward flora, the 1930s, and the letter Y: Lily, Sophia, Maya, Avery, Daisy, Eleanor, Willow, Rylie.

Feminine

Aloe
Citron
Dolorys
Byverly
Lichen
Marigold
Rosamund
Mamie

Just warning you now.

Project chair update (in case you wanted to see them side by side).

You should smell it, it smells like new furniture.

The sewing on the cushion sucks, but you can't tell. I'll get it fixed later.

"After" phone photos below.

(download)

Click here to download:

My_very_own_before_and_after.zip (258 KB)

You rock.

On Wednesday, May 27:
I got on a plane for Seattle
I was hired (over the phone) as a contractor in online marketing

On Thursday, May 28:
I checked out two potential places to live closer to downtown.

That weekend:
I confirmed my roomie/housing situation.
I moved my 5 cardboard boxes and 2 large suitcases into the new pad in Fremont (neighborhood).
I visited about 12 used car dealerships/private sellers.

On Monday, June 1:
My first day of work. No orientation, no training, no perks, just GO! Ahhh contracting.

On Tuesday, June 2:
I buy a used 2002 Jetta GLX (the nice kind with hot hot leather seats.)

The following 9 days:
We get internet in the apartment and I upgrade it to wireless. We get cable TV in the apartment. I buy a mattress, a bed, a desk, and furnish a bathroom and kitchen. I borrow silverware, pots, dishes, and a TV from Elliott's parents. I transfer the title for the Jetta at the DOL. Oh and I have just 5 days to learn the job of someone who has 2 years of experience using DoubleClick, an MBA, and a thousand contacts in the marketing world.

So you see it is difficult.

I have two leads on solid jobs with super-reputable companies. Also, Becca found some excellent moving boxes in our hall closet (after a few unsuccessful dumpster dives on recycling day.)

AND I walked past a bag of free books on the way to the sushi place, where I was about to eat alone, and I LOVE TO READ WHILE I EAT

How is it possible to be this lucky?

I think the universe is probably maybe paying me back for one or more of the following:
-- Making me shy as a child
-- Giving me acne and big teeth in my formative years
-- Robbing me occasionally with parking tickets etc

Either that, or this is a hill, I'm about to roll into another valley. Maybe someone will steal my identity. Maybe the apartment floor will collapse as I sleep and I'll be buried in rubble. (I am for real terrified of this.) Maybe I will buy a lotion and I WILL LATER DECIDE I DON'T LIKE THE SMELL ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!